I’ve been dreading our vacation for a little while now. I think the main reason behind that is because it’s not happening how I thought it would. Allow me to explain; the trip itself is coming along nicely. The hotels are paid for, as well as the train rides, tours, and random adventures. The plane tickets were paid for in February and we have all our luggage we need. Why dread the thing I’ve been waiting for all year then? I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be physically. I had plans that I would be at least 2 or 3 sizes smaller and that I’d be confident in who I am.
Now please don’t think that because I am larger I am not confident, I know my body (I’ve had it for 29 years) and I love all that it can do. I am proud of myself for who I am. What makes me sad is seeing where I’ve been and knowing I could be in a similar place now if I had worked harder.
This was me in 2005. I know I don’t still have those pants, and even if I did I know they wouldn’t fit. I think what makes me sad is that this is sort of how I still see myself, and then when I see what I currently look like it’s heart-breaking.
I remember that I wasn’t afraid to sit in an airline seat during this time, or to share a seat with friends. Now all I can think of is whether or not I’ll have to have an extender, and if I’ll even be able to fit in the seat. This is merely an update of to where my brain is and what I really need to focus on during the next month. I’m going to do my best to avoid fast food and cut back on soda for the next few months. Soon I’ll add more about what I’m taking and hopefully that will get me excited once again!
